And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
