shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize
