If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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