My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
my shit smells like andre
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
