So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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