If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
