I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
