I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
