I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
