omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
