I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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