you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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