Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Just pee around me
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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