Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
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i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
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Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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