Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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