first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead