I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I just gift wrapped bread.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.