If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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