just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
