Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
