my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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