Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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