mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
