forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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