you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
