a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
you will always have a special place in my vag
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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