You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
