im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
