You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
