I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
