Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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