I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
