that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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