There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
