you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
