can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
