im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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