i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
