I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
