Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
