Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Randomize
