my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
