i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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