Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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