Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
