I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
My life is pants optional.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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