MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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