There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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