I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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