I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
