Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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