jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
