The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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