It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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