My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
