the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
These tits shall not be calmed
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
