dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Randomize
