I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
