You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize